Written Fri, 2011-02-25
The orange and gold of sunset spread out with a vast radiance. Sarah sat on a grassy hilltop, gazing out, but she soon found she could not quite take it all in. Closing her eyes, she took a deep slow breath. Breathing in she felt the golden red light falling on her eyelids like a wind, and even with her eyes closed the glow began to gently fill her visual field, like a rising dawn. Keeping her eyes closed, she let her breath out in a slow measured release, and continued the cycle of breathing.
Intimacy, she thought, and then began a slight kegel lift, very gently stimulating her pelvic floor, so subtle, and as she kept breathing a warm pleasure arose from below to meet the glow from above. Breathing in light and pleasure, breathing out into open space. Soon her whole body was glowing from the inside and out like an ocean of light. In Tibetan Buddhist lore the great yogini Yeshe Tsogyal is known as the great bliss queen. Sarah aspired to become a modern bliss queen, as a support, of course, for participating the best that she could in serving the good of all.
Inside this pleasurable glow, she allowed the flow of thoughts and perceptions to come and go. Her meditation was to simply be aware, stay open, be nourished by the bliss, and recognize the emptiness, the fleeting, impermanent nature of everything noticed by the mind. As she practiced, she realized that she was actually practicing well! A cry of inner delight welled up within, a recognition of freedom, seeing her thoughts come and go, realizing that she was not stuck on any one thing.
The glow on her eyelids began to subside; a slight chill swept over her, and Sarah opened her eyes. The sunset was fading, and the vast hill-top vista was deepening into twilight. Near the horizon a glow of pink and orange remained, darkening into purple above. As she continued to breathe she opened her mind into that vast darkling space. Her idea was to relax into space, merge her bliss into emptiness. Today her concentration was very good. The pleasure energy seemed to spread out beyond her body into the twilight sky, and her mind began to open wide. Then a shift occurred, and she experienced a brief instant of confusion-- as if she didn’t know where or who she was anymore-- but then just as suddenly she relaxed, taking a deep breath. It was all so silly.
What did she think she was doing, sitting here with her meditation? She began to laugh, and then she began to cry, filled with sadness for the futility of her life, and all her efforts to be good, to amount to something. Then quickly she was laughing again at the silliness of her tears. She laughed and laughed, and then finally she found herself observing her laughter, which subsided. As the sky darkened, she rested in awareness, her thoughts coming and going, and waves of bliss flowing through her body. Her practice then was to relax more with each breath. Every time she wanted to make something of her experience, she said “no” and relaxed again. It’s just nothing.
Finally the impulse to move became predominant. She bowed within. She gazed about at this place on the nightime planet. Stars were beginning to spread across the sky. She bowed again, and dedicated whatever merit there might come from this meditation to the benefit of all beings, and then she arose. After shaking out her legs, and allowing the blood to flow through them, she opened her arms, and stretched them skyward, and then began to walk. Briefly she wondered if her life meant anything new now because of this meditation on the hill. Her dedication remained, and she hoped she might better contribute to the well-being of all. But there was no real magic to it. She felt that she was simply one spot within a gradual and collective process of maturing our species. The fact remained that there were still bills to pay, and other people to relate with. All the problems of the world remained. For an instant a touch of depression struck her, a nihilistic perception, that what she was doing with her practices really didn’t matter. But then she consumed this cloudy vision in her walking meditation; such a nihislistic view also was just nothing. The energy of her own being remained, and the job was not to arrive anywhere but to continue to practice, and to “dance” and to live her ordinary life with as much attention and skill and heart as possible. The job was to continue to generate good spirit and true insight. Keep practicing, keep on the Way. She smiled to herself, and another subtle wave of joy swept through her and dissolved into ordinariness. Simply walking home. A shower would be nice, and then there were phone calls and email correspondance to keep up with. Blessings to all.
